True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
鈥渃an you hook me up with some wifi?”
I鈥檓 sure it鈥檚 fine.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
wowww it鈥檚 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent鈥檚 weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
馃ぃ馃ぃ
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
tourist season
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resum茅 speaks for itself
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist