It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
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If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly