the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
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Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random