The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
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Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI