Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.