Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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Seek kebab; not attention
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table