Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes