boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
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I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My beach vacation Google searches
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me