We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
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ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
the official breakfast of 2021
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave