i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
How software testing works
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake