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I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
This hospital has everything
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Herpes is trending, good job people
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*