Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
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Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.