I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
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11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
was Jim off killing horses or…
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.