Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
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Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do