Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
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Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Effort made
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar