friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.