[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
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Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Close call…
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first