the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.