[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
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customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
What a chick magnet..
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong