You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
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America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Simple enough.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat