(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.