[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
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Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Oh the world we live in…
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…