I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
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Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.