You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
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My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Ummm
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.