Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[eulogy]
line?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.