It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
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I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I have so many questions.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target