GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
#Thanos #MondayMood
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”