If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
That stupid look on my face, is my face