love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die