I’m a self-made hundredaire
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs