“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
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Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
The news in a nutshell.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*