*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
You Might Also Like
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?