The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
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I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.