*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
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My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.