[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
When the stylist spins you back around
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
yeet
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Great game to play with friends
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics