My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
You Might Also Like
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.