If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
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[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker