[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
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Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK