conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
No chill.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.