* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
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“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises