The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
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I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?