Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
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Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways