My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
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IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I’ve had worse
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.