if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
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when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.