A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
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Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Software Development ⛵️
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Free him
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.