water it, i dare you
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You’ll be OK
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)