Do NOT do this 馃檮馃檮
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn鈥檛 know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I鈥檓 a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I tried a little tenderness and now I鈥檓 trying blunt force trauma.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
We鈥檇 been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I鈥檓 thinking maybe I鈥檒l just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that鈥檚 right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Photographer: Ok, let鈥檚 get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don鈥檛 want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay