I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
sistine chapel
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum