Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
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Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Yup
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.