Comic π₯Ίπππβ€οΈβπ₯
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the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, itβs for me.
Apparently itβs weird that Iβve had 9 birthdays this year.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
βThe 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo Universityβ – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and Iβm pasting it here in a thread
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
Thereβs an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
responding βummmm i have a boyfriendβ anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine